Preface:
For the past 3 years, my dear friend Benny has asked dozens of people to venture deep into the desert to abolish the concept of time and focus deeply on community. The trip is composed of hikes through nature, music, dance and stories. This year he asked a handful of us to give a speech… here is mine 🙂
Speech:
No matter what you read or hear, the only way to internalize anything is to live a life. Through the struggles and missteps you take, through the love and joy you find, you write your own book on living. You build each chapter, “On Purpose, On Friends, On Love” and so on. You find what makes you tick and makes this life worth living. You find your limitations and dislikes.
If we live long enough, we all probably end up with the same conclusion when we write the last page. We fill our chapters in different orders. We throw away old drafts for new ones. Seeds of ideas evolve.
Benny sent us a prompt on Dreams, Detours + Destiny. I’ve got some first drafts on what those mean to me. I’ll share. But these are just my beliefs based on my little life.
On Destiny
I believe in destiny wholeheartedly.
Destiny works as follows: If you are honest with yourself and put yourself out there, what’s meant to be won’t miss you.
Being honest with yourself is hard but allows you to move away from what’s not serving you and towards what does.
Putting yourself out there is what gives destiny the chance to run its magic. There’s a sunrise and a sunset everyday but you have to put yourself in the way of beauty. If you hole up, destiny will be working its magic, but you won’t ever arrive to meet it. The train will pass by and you will be stuck at the station. Put yourself in a position to meet new people, see new places, and be inspired.
Sometimes destiny will serve you the best bowl of ice cream you ever ate. The love of your life. A brutal hangover. A broken heart. A new city. A trip with friends. A song you can’t stop playing on repeat. The good and bad are both important. The bad is your teacher and the good is your reward. Each thing leads to the next. It’s all destiny.
As someone who is a-religious, believing in destiny is a choice. The most important and conscious one I make every day.
It’s either a cheat code that gets me out there challenging myself and living a full and playful life. Or the gods are behind there pulling strings. I’m not sure exactly what it is, but I choose to believe there’s some mystical force that rewards all humans for being brave and getting on the train even when the destination is foreign or unclear.
On Dreams & Detours
I believe that any decision you make is the right one. So, to me, there are no detours.
There are some people who are born with a clear end destination. They see unexpected bumps and turns as detours. For better or worse, I am not one of those people. I have no 10, 5, or 2-year plan.
I have a loosely defined dream. A blurry destination. Right now, the window is fogged by humid air, but I can peek inside:
The home is quaint yet beautiful. The scale is tipped toward creation not consumption. I build things that make the mundane exciting. I ask questions that help me, and others, make meaning of the world. I’m a partner and a mother and my people live close by. Music and meals are what connect us.
I like just looking through the window, knowing I’m close by. The detours, the fact that I constantly get to ask myself “what next” and it reveals itself is such a joy.
While far from perfect, my life feels pretty close to that dream. Music, food, and loved ones are at the center. I work on a cooking app that makes the daily, often mundane act of cooking more beautiful for thousands of people. And while I don’t think mobile apps are the road I want to drive down forever, I’m learning so much about myself and the world. It’s a detour I’m willing to cruise down a while longer. A detour I’m proud to be taking.
I’ve gone down so many welcomed detours in work, love, and cities. Each time I’ve learned what I loved and what I’m good at. What needs improving and what is better reserved for people that aren’t me.
My gut or inner knowing serves as my compass. Telling me what to move toward and what to move away from. Where to stick around for a little while longer.
To me it’s not about arriving quickly. I would be miserable if that was the goal. The goal is to meander, take detours down beautiful windy roads. And as soon as I think I’ve arrived, not holding on too tightly.
Mom’s Impact on My Beliefs
Part of living a life is watching others live and asking yourself: do I want to be more or less like that person?
Growing up, my mom was a good mom. She stayed up late with me if I needed someone to ensure I didn’t fall asleep before I was done studying. She made me feel loved, seen, and heard. She ensured that my siblings loved one another.
However, she put her own destiny on hold for us. I think dealing with 5 children and fighting addiction all at once was too tall of a task to also try and go shake destiny’s hand.
But destiny welcomes anyone to meet it at any time. It’s never too late. And if you ignored it for 30 years, it doesn’t get angry. It gives you the biggest darn hug and spits word vomit at you like your best friend you haven’t caught up with in far too long. It’s an explosion.
I imagine this is what destiny told my mom when she finally arrived to meet it:
“You love sound healing and being sober will be your superpower. You will find the most joy in life in helping others get sober. Oh, and you know how alive the NY Jets and travel make you feel? Just wait! I have so many other things that will make you feel that way. You are so capable and you have so many gifts you just haven’t dug for them. You are a good mom, but you can focus on yourself now! Let’s go c’mon c’mon! We have so much to do!”
My mom decided to hop on the train when I was graduating college. She was always strong and I always saw her vibrant spark. But once she started to feed her flame instead of tame it, I saw the power of doing hard things and putting yourself out there. Admitting she was an alcoholic and going to rehab, something you would think might be one of life’s deepest failures, proved to be her greatest success.
I saw that not one piece of her life was unwelcomed. All the highs and lows brought her right where she needed to be.
As I graduated college I thought: I want to be just like that person. One that let’s hardship become her superpower. One that learns to refuel that spark. And someone who doesn’t believe in detours or wrong turns.
Thank you, momma.
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